Ang ganda mo.

Ce n'est pas de votre faute.

But I know it'll never happen.

I had a really happy dream last night. Yet when I woke up I felt like I was going to cry.
I dreamed that my old friend Nicole tracked me down and visited us. She had moved back down here and her home life was all better. I don't remember much else of the dream, but there was a lot of laughing and reminiscing. And when she left I called her up and played a joke on her like we always used to do. It felt so real. I was so happy just to know that she was safe and well. And alive.
And when I woke up the dream was shattered. She wasn't here, I didn't know if she ever would be.
I don't want anybody else to become a memory - a dream, like her ever again.
I would rather die than have that happen to me again.

My composure has been less than praiseworthy as of late, and for that I am sorry. I seem to have gotten a hold of myself again for the time being. It's been a while since I've felt so strongly about something like this so you'll have to forgive me for my behavior. Hopefully I have it all back in place now.
Anyway I've been wondering a lot lately. Wondering why it is that humans by nature want whatever they cannot have. It really is a curious subject, because if we get whatever it is that is seemingly unattainable to us what will we do with it?

Aside from all that nothing too interesting has been happening around here. I think I broke my toe a few days ago when I fell off my chair while trying to put posters up. It's still kinda blue.
And I find myself missing a very good guy friend of mine. I know he's around somewhere, he's just been very quiet as of late. I wonder if he just doesn't wanna have to deal with me anymore because he's not gonna see me anymore next year anyway? Or maybe he thinks I hate him 'cause I'm worried he's going to hurt his girlfriend? I wonder if he knows I'm worried for him in the same way?
Well if he ever reads this I want him to know I love him very much, and that I always have, and that I miss him. He also needs to know he needs to hit me up soon so I can see him and put some sort of tracker on him so I don't loose him when he goes off to college. :)
So Mr. Stalker.
Where are you?

When you say, "see you soon" I know it only means you'll only see him sooner.
That's why you never spend a full day here.
You never go a minute without talking to him.
I hate myself for feeling this way. I really do. But I just can't stop it.
I miss the days when I could see him and not feel a burning in my stomach. Knowing he's only using you for his childish revenge.
I miss the days where I didn't miss you. The days where my parents aren't asking "Where is she?"
I'm counting down the days, but the days get longer as time dwells on.
I'm selfish.
And I'm praying,
Please lord, just keep me sealed up tight.

I'm sorry, I'll probably delete this soon.

I've been thinking lately.
It must really fucking suck to be a school bus driver.
Most of your day you're driving kids around to and from school, who are probably gonna grow up to become something better than you are right now. Something better than you'll ever hope of becoming.
Yeah.
That must suck.

Also, have you ever been scared to be happy?
I am. I'm just afraid I'm gonna screw everything up again
And I'm afraid I'm gonna screw up my friendship with someone.
I'm afraid someone is gonna give us trouble, and that is the last thing I want.
Geez, I think I've just forgotten how to be in a relationship.
Please just give me support and tell me that everything is gonna be alright.
I wish I was more comfortable with myself.

My legs have been hurting worse and worse lately. Hopefully it's nothing serious.

And I got these suction cup bra things for my dress today, and OH GOD THEY FEEL SO WEIRD. THEY'RE SO SQUISHY. We had to get a size bigger 'cause they didn't have any A's, so I look fucking HUGE. haha.
I'm sorry, but I'm going to be molesting myself the whole time.
I hope no one minds.

Hahaha.

AND THEY HURT REALLY FUCKING BAD WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF.
OWWWWW.

Derp.
Okay, first of all I'm sorry for being such a whiny emo jerkface. I'm stopping for now. I gotta learn to use this thing for other things rather than whining.

I'll start with the dream I had last night.
I had woken up to the flashing lights of police cars peeking through my curtains. I open them up and see that two people had gotten into a car accident on our lawn. I wander out of my room to see what my parents were doing and to find out what's going on and on the counters I find a SHITLOAD of scrambled eggs. Normally, this is a pleasant surprise, but they had peppers in them so I was unhappy. Mom appeared and told me she made breakfast for the people on the lawn too, but that she wasn't going to give it to them now because the kid of the mom who got in the accident was being a bitch. I go outside to talk to the people and one of the ladies that were in the accident said they had hit a jackal or something. I find this hard to believe since 1) there are no jackals in Florida besides in zoos and 2) there was no animal carcass around anywhere.

And then my mom woke me up 'cause I was gonna be late for school. lol.

I've been finding that I've been having weirder and weirder dreams lately. I wish I could finish some of them haha.

And I got a dress for prom today. Didn't have to spend a dime on it either. A friend of mine is letting me borrow hers. Sweetness. I look so awkward in dresses haha.

OHOH. I FIXED MY IPOD TODAY TOO.
I'M SO HAPPY OTL.

I need to start up Ragnarok again too. I'm starting to miss it.

Am I asleep?
Had I slept?

I've been so stressed and out of it lately and I just really haven't been myself, and I'm sorry for that. Just so much has been happening all at once and its getting harder to keep up and keep my emotions in check at the same time. For any seemingly outrageous things I do or have done, I apologize. I'll return to normal eventually.

Really though. It's times like these where I really wish I was 'normal'. So I could fall in love with 'normal' people and live a 'normal' life and not be questioned about my abnormalities. And that way I wouldn't keep chasing the one person I can't have. It's all quite annoying really. I wish there was some way I could stop and have everything fall back to place, because I seem to tear everything up wherever I go.

I really need to get out and escape for a while, but whenever I start making plans some unexpected force grabs a hold of me and pulls me back. I want out. Please. Just let me go. I'll come back eventually, I promise.

Just two more weeks.
Two weeks.
Then I can relax. I hope.


Fuck. I need a dress for prom.
God, I hate being a girl.

Spring has never been a good time of year for me. No idea why, it just never has. Too many feelings popping up, too many people drifting away, too many people hurting, and love is always in the air.
And that's all I ever hear.

It's funny how you can cling to someone for so long, being loyal only to them, loving them, but not receiving anything in return except the the dust that was kicked up by their heels as they run to another person.
I try to be okay with it., this is how I've lived my life after all, but my insane feeling of jealousy and the sick feeling that comes with it pools up in my gut and I feel as if I'm going to burst.

How have I dealt with this for so long, I wonder? All I want to do is just sleep and have everything be normal again when I wake up.

Maybe that's what I'll go do.

Gutenacht

I think too much this time of year. OTL
Here's the stuff that I dwell on every year, and what's kept me going:

A lot of people tend to look at the new year as a chance to forget the mistakes of the past year and start over. To reset the game, if you will. I’ve always tended to see it in a different light. If you restart a game from the beginning, doesn’t that mean you once again begin with nothing? No unlocked items or abilities follow you into the new session, and you just end up right where you started.

At level zero.

With nothing that you worked so hard to attain previously, it’s all gone.

I can’t stand to look at the new year this way. Because if I do, nothing I did has any meaning. I like to look at the new year like leveling up. You keep everything you attained previously, and now have new access to greater things, and you use those old items and abilities to help you obtain new ones. This way everything you worked so hard to obtain still has use, and can be used for greater things in the future.

I’m sorry the way I think is so messed up, haha. This is just the easiest way for me to explain myself. And I’m not saying the way I think is the only right way of thinking, that would make me a communist or something. Hahaha. This is just the way that has helped me move forward and grow as a person.

 

Now that I think about it, a lot of good things happened this year, also a lot of embarrassing things, scary things, and I tended to get myself into some bad situations. I also ended up repeating actions that I promised myself long ago that I would never do again, and I ended up hurting a few people. And for that I am sorry, but I will not take back what I did. Maybe one day, if you have not already, you will realize my motives behind my actions, but even with that, our relationship cannot return to what it once was. I’m sorry, but for you to move forward this is how it must be. It’s better for the both of us.

Ahn, I’m sorry. My livejournal posts almost always consist of some “you” person. I don’t even know if that person reads this or not. Hahaha.

I’m sorry I can’t offer much wisdom or anything, I’m not very good with words, but before I end this I’ll leave one more thing that I’ve hung onto through the years. (And so far it’s proven to be true.)

However you spend your New Year is how you’ll spend the rest of the year.

So be wise, and STAY SAFE. Now I should be going to bed, I have to wake up early to make the rice cakes for the party~

Happy New Year. <3

Oh gosh, so much has been going on lately. It's crazy. I'll tackle that in another entry maybe. Right now I just wanna post this somewhere. xD

THE SEVEN DEADLY SINS

ANGER
1. With whom did you last get angry?: Myself, I'm too weak sometimes.
2. What is your weapon of choice?: My words.
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?: Yes, if provoked.
4. How about of the same sex?: Again, yes when provoked.
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you?: I don't know, it seems I may have angered a lot of people lately. Haha.
6. What is your pet peeve?: Extreme PDA. Pisses me right off.
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?: I let them go fairly easily.

SLOTH
1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time?: Clean my freakin' room.
2. What is the latest you've ever woken up?: Around four in the afternoon.
3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't: Brytnie.
4. What is the last lame excuse you made?: Haha, I don't remember, I make too many.
5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through (one of the long ones)?: Sadly, yes. This is what happens when you have to wake up at four in the morning.
6. When was the last time you got a good workout in?: Uhm, whenever I was in marching band.
7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today?: None today, but i usually hit it about four or five times.

GLUTTONY
1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?: If I understand the vernacular correctly it'd have to be a strawberry or raspberry frappachino from Starbucks.
2. Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat?: Mmm, i prefer white, but I like both.
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event?: When I was really little, I accidentally took a sip of my mom's wine. I ran to her crying saying, "I'm an alcoholic!!"
4. Have you ever used a professional diet company?: Nope.
5. Do you have an issue with your weight?: Sometimes, but it's normal usually.
6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods?: Sweets all the way!
7. Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought, LUNCH?: Haha, yes!

LUST
1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)?: I can't remember, but I'm sure someone, somewhere has seen me in my birthday suit before. Haha.
2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)?: A few, I'm sure, but i can't put a number to it though.
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation?: Haha yes.
4. Have you done it?: Done what?
5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice?: Tummy, jawline and legs.
6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?: Nope.
7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy?: Haha no.

GREED
1. How many credit cards do you own?: None.
2. What's your guilty pleasure store?: Not really a guilty pleasure, but I like Zen Garden.
3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it?: Whatever I could with it. Haha.
4. Would you rather be rich, or famous?: Rich, but doesn't being famous eventually lead up to that?
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?: Heck yes.
6. Have you ever stolen anything?: No.
7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive?: Somewhere around 6,000.

PRIDE
1. What one thing have you done that you're most proud of?: Stand up for myself.
2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of?: Probably the same thing, I've always been somewhat of a recluse.
3. What thing would you like to accomplish in your life?: Make something of myself.
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?: No.
5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors?: If I have I don't remember what it was.
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score?: Yes.
7. What did you do today that you're proud of?: Made that gingerbread house with Serena. It was disgusting, haha.

ENVY
1. What item (or person) of your friends' would you most want to have for your own?: Austin or Adrianna's PS3. xD
2. Who would you want to go on Trading Spaces with?: My cousin Cliff.
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be?: Either Kayleigh or Majin.
4. Have you ever been cheated on?: No.
5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?: Hasn't everyone?
6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?: NORMAL ANKLES.
7. Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin?: Gluttony.


THE SEVEN HEAVENLY VIRTUES

FAITH
1. What religion do you follow?: Mnn, I dunno. I believe in God, but I don't like to be called a Christian.
2. What religion were you raised as?: Christian.
3. Do you believe that forgiveness is a religious property, or a human property?: It really depends on how you look at it, I'd get into a whole explanation if I wasn't so tired.
4. Do you have your own commandments?: No.
5. What was the last promise you broke?: I promised I'd go to the chorus' Christmas concert, but I hurt my knee earlier in the day and couldn't make it.
6. Have you ever said the words to a prayer and not meant it?: Yes.
7. Do you believe that anyone could be perfect?: Not at all.

HOPE
1. Did you get everything you wanted over the last holiday season?: People around me where happy, so yes.
2. Regarding your future, what is the best thing you could hope for?: Acceptance.
3. Do you let yourself get your hopes up for something even if you know that there is a large chance of failure?: No.
4. Freedom or fate? Freedom.
5. Have you ever bought a lottery ticket?: No, I can't yet.
6. Do you gamble?: Life itself is a gamble.
7. Have you ever had something called off on account of bad weather, but then gone ahead and done it anyway?: Yes.

CHARITY
1. What causes do you support?: Cure for AIDs & Austism, gay rights, etc.
2. What causes have you given money or time to?: Red Cross, To Write Love on Her Arms, and Cure for Autsim.
3. Have you ever worked in a soup kitchen or done another kind of outreach for the homeless?: I volunteered at the Red Cross if that counts.
4. Would you ever consider joining the Peace Corps, Amnesty International, or another travel?: No.
5. Do you give money to the homeless on the street?: I gave some money to a homeless woman in Spain.
6. Have you ever helped out a friend with basic needs, like rent or food?: Yes.
7. What's the greatest extent you've gone to help a friend in need?: I'll go to any extent to help a friend. If you need me, I'm there.

FORTITUDE
1. What are you most afraid of?: Failure and people.
2. What did you do today that was really brave?: Ate part the gingerbread house.
3. Who is your favorite superhero, and why?: Batman, because he relieson his human qualities instead of supernatural ones. I like Iron Man too, because he can't overcome his human qualities.
4. Would you put your life in danger to rescue someone?: Yes.
5. If you were to face the Wizard, would you want more courage, more brains, or more heart?: More brains, most likely.
6. Have you ever gotten stage fright? If so, when?: Yes, as for when, it's really anytime I'm in front of a group of people.
7. Do you consider yourself to be a leader or a follower?: Neither I'm the person that stands in the background and watches. Haha.

JUSTICE
1. Have you ever been summoned for jury duty?: Not yet.
2. If they reinstituted the draft (for both genders), would you go, or would find some way out of it?: I'd probably end up going.
3. Do you support capital punishment (the death penalty)?: I don't know anymore.
4. Which should be guaranteed legal?: Gay marriage, and a bunch of other things I don't want to get into right now.
5. Do you believe that Dubya is rightfully President of the USA?: Bush? Well he was elected wasn't he? Who am I to say that he is or isn't?
6. What was your favorite media circus trial?: Ohh, there were a few I followed a while ago, but I dunno which one I would consider my favorite.
7. Have you ever written a letter to a politician?: Yes, we had to in elementary school.

TEMPERANCE
1. What do you have the hardest time moderating yourself on?: My ... recluse-ness.
2. Do you collect anything?: Books mainly.
3. Are you addicted to anything?: Green tea and fantasy. Haha.
4. Have you ever put anything on layaway or used an installment plan?: Nope, I personally haven't.
5. What's your preferred method of paying for things?: Cash, I have no other means to pay by. xD
6. Tell us one thing you wish you hadn't let yourself do?: I wish I didn't go to extremes to fix things.
7. Do you feel that you obsess over things?: Slightly, yes.

PRUDENCE
1. Who is the wisest person you know?: I'm not sure.
2. Have you ever participated in a vigil?: Yes, I watched over my cat Patches when we found her. She had been hit by a car and we took her in, I stayed up with her because I was worried about her and couldn't sleep.
3. Do you take advice when it's given?: Yes. Whether I follow it or not is a different story.
4. What area are you wisest in?: I have no idea. I don't even think I'm wise.
5. Do you drive defensively?: Nope, I'm a very aggressive driver.
6. What did you learn today?: That gingerbread houses from boxes are disgusting.
7. And of course, what is your favorite heavenly virtue?: Justice.

Whee, I can't stop listening to this stupid song. I'm beginning to think I'm possessed~
Haha.

Anyway, things have gotten better since my last emo entry. (Expect a lot of those by the way, I like whining to the internet.) My brother had some sort of funeral-type-deal, but mom didn't want to go, so I was forced to stay here. I'll probably go up to visit the place where they spread his ashes sometime soon hopefully. I'd like to pay my respects.

Went up to Uncle Steve and Aunt Becky's house for Thanksgiving. It was okay. I'm surprised I didn't have an asthma attack from all the smoke everywhere though. Haha. Everyone seems to know I'm gay now too, it's nice not being attacked with "When are you going to get a boyfriend?" questions anymore.
I still remember when I first came out to Cliff while we were there some Thanksgivings ago. We went for a walk on the little community dock thing, and I just spat it out. His face was great, he was so shocked. He was nice about it too though, the first thing he asked me was "Are you scared?"
I tried to go revisit the little dock while I was there, but it was pitch black outside, and I got freaked out and turned back. I'm so wimpy. xD

Jeez, I'm sorry. What is it with LiveJournal and making me talk about this kinda stuff? At least I'm not being depressing.
I'll save that for later.

Anyway, I should probably be getting to sleep soon. I've got a lot of crap to deal with tomorrow. x__x

Progress reports come out tomorrow and I'm pretty sure I'm failing a class due to missed assignments/tests 'cause I've been sick.

The band, for the first time in the history of our school, has made it into the state competition. But we've been doing horribly at practices, so much so that Metzner is getting angry at us and ending practice early.

Alex has gotten worse around me. I don't even know if he'll get better anymore. I'm just so lost.

And....
My brother died last night.
He overdosed on something, I'm not sure what.
I mean, I knew this was going to happen.
I knew he would do this to himself.
At times I even wanted it to happen.
So..
Why am I still crying?
Why am I even crying at all? 
Did I really care about him? The person who always let us down in someway? The person who threw his beautiful life away for one of earthly pleasures? The person who my mom loved so much, the one she would never give up on? 
Is it her happy face? Her refusal to believe anything and to just pretend to be happy?
I don't know.
I just wish that it never happened. That he was still here. That I had never had those ugly thoughts of him.
I wish I could have gotten to know him better.
Maybe he would have straightened out, gotten his life back together.

But what am I saying? 
I can't fix anything. I can't save anyone.

I don't know anymore.

Rest In Peace, Brother... I had always loved you in some way. I'm sorry I ever denied it. I just wish you were here so we could mend our fences.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.

Xanga abandoned, I find myself wandering back to this place.
Wtf is wrong with me? I know I won't keep this alive for very long.
It was hard enough trying to come up with a username. -   -;
Oh well.

Wish me luck.